Health Promotion Board reverses anti-cancer, anti-heart disease strategy

Health Promotion Board - An organisation that makes you believe that if you lead a healthy lifestyle, you stand a good chance of finally dropping dead suddenly without pain, suffering and big hospital bills.

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Singapore -

The Health Promotion Board (HPB) announced today that it will cease all programmes related to the prevention of cancers and cardiovascular diseases such as heart attacks and strokes.

Mr Wee Ah Rong, spokesman for HPB, announced this at a press conference today.

"HPB has always based its health promotion strategies on the principal causes of death in Singapore, with the understanding that the biggest problems should be the ones we are tackling. However, the task force set up to study our overall strategy this year made the observation that if we were to reduce significantly the incidence of death from cancers and cardiovascular diseases, and pneumonia which is usually caused by debilitation from the diseases above, the current 5th leading cause of death, being 'accidents, poisoning and violence', would quickly become the number one cause of death in Singapore." Mr Wee explained.

"After consultation with the Health Minister, we concluded it would be unacceptable for a modern nation like Singapore to have violent death as the leading cause of death – we would be the laughing stock of the region and indeed the international community."

HPB will now instead divert its resources to making sure that Singapore continues to maintain the current status quo.

"As a First World nation, our citizens deserve to die from First World diseases, and HPB will spare no efforts to make that happen." Said Mr Wee.